Sunday, February 1, 2015

weird dreaming patterns

I have three types of reoccuring dreams (well... dream components) that crop up a lot:

The 'powers don't work' dream- I have some kind of ability or talent- often flying. Sometimes I can sing. Sometimes I can shoot lightening out of my hands. Sometimes I can shapeshift. But I can't get it to work. Like, I'll know with absolute certianty that I can do whatever it is, I remember doing it and I remember how, I just... can't. I can't get off the ground. I point my finger and nothing happens. I stay extremely me-shaped.

The 'almost' dream- These are when something amazing is about to happen, but never quite does. I'm about to go on the best vacation of my life, but first I have to pack. And I keep having 'just one more thing' that I need to do before I leave. I'm about to meet someone I've always wanted to meet. I'm about to get a ton of money. I'm about to accomplish something. The anticipation lasts for the entire dream, and it's always just on the verge of happening. But I have never had a dream in which I actually achieved what I wanted. The weirdest part is that I'm never pessimistic in these dreams, I truly, honestly believe that I'm going to get whatever it is. I'm excited, I'm cheerful. These are really hard to wake up from, since I keep hitting snooze going "well maybe if I sleep just a bit longer I'll get it".

The chewing gum dream- OK, so this one is a little different from the last two, it's a lot more specific. I have a piece of chewing gum in my mouth, and no matter what I do I can't spit it out. Like I'll get some of it but then I'll find more stuck behind my teeth or under my tongue, or in my gums, it just never goes away, no matter how hard I try to get rid of it. I remember the first time I had this one, I was about ten years old, and it was actually not gum, it was something way worse. But ever since then it's been gum. I don't know why, but these dreams are really stressful. Like it seems mundane but I wakeup and I'll be anxious and sweating like I've just had a nightmare. I don't chew gum in reality anymore, it makes me anxious.

This one I really wonder about, like is there some kind of suppressed memory that's surfacing? Is the gum symbolic? IT MAKES NO SENSE.

okay so this sat in my drafts for a while and right before i published it i googled it and apparently a lot of people have this weirdly specific dream? I AM FURTHER WEIRDED OUT NOW. some people interpret them as needing to express something important and not being able to, but i can't think of anything like that happening in correlation with those dreams. but idk they tend to blur together so it could be related to that. that just doesn't feel like a very 'me' thing to stress about. sure, i can't come out to my parents ever (either as chiloni or as queer) but i've more or less made peace with that aspect of my life. so i continue to be confused.

Sunday, December 28, 2014


I'm in a good place: I have a full time job with a decent paycheck that will look good on my resume and offers a reasonable amount of upward mobility

I'm in a bad place: I can't focus 90% of the time and I end up slacking off even when every part of me is screaming to DO SOMETHING and I live in constant terror of losing my job because it's only a matter of time before someone catches on

I'm in a good place: I'm only spending about the same amount that I earn per month, I'm not sliding back deeper into debt

I'm in a bad place: I have things that I need to spend money on that I'm not, I'm wasting money that I should be saving, I'm considering taking out a small loan to cover my perpetual overdraft which is just feeding into a pattern that has been dancing around for years

I'm in a good place: I'm taking part in support groups for people with the same issues that I have, it's really helpful to feel I'M NOT ALONE, it's a dramatic, momentous feeling

I'm in a bad place: I haven't seen the neurologist for almost half a year, I did the stupid test that he wanted to prove I have adhd and I need medication, but I lost the results and I haven't gotten around to asking them to reprint them for me and in the meantime I'm painfully unmedicated with all that entails (for further examples of exactly how being unmedicated affects me: have you even been reading this post)

I'm in a good place: I have a nice bed in a nice room in a nice apartment that's not overpriced and is a little difficult to get to by public transportation but not impossible, plus most of the food/medicine/clothes necessities are in walking distance

I'm in a bad place: even though I sleep enough hours I'm constantly tired, I can barely ever keep myself fully awake and functional even though I take my iron pills, I took a cab to work every single day this week because I could just NOT make myself wake up early enough to catch a bus, being chronically ill is expensive, and I don't even know what I'm chronically ill with.

I'm in a good place: I've been working towards establishing the business that has been my dream for the last three years, and I'm finally live and I even made a few sales and it turns out I'm actually pretty good at making nail polish

I'm in a bad place: I'm immensely disorganized, half of the supplies and tools I bought are lost or buried or jumbled and it's reaching critical mass. I have a vague idea of what my expenses vs profit is but I haven't really been keeping as close track as I need to which means I may very soon crash and burn. Also even though I know *how* to market myself it takes a lot of time and effort and energy that I can't seem to muster up so I'm not reaching the audience I need to reach

I'm in a good place: I've finally seemed to pin down what exactly my sexuality and romantic orientation are, although it's a moving target at least I have words for what I am and I'm not just this weird broken person who doesn't make sense and is probably just immature or something

I'm in a bad place: It's virtually impossible for me to find a suitable partner and I'm not even sure I want one, but even if I found one everything I want in a partner is the precise opposite of what my parents would be ok with which means that eventually I'm going to have to make a choic between being single forever (which? i'm not sure is a bad thing?) and getting along with my family or chosing my partner and being disowned by my family on the spot

I'm I'm I'm i'm i'm i'm im im im im so fucking self centered when I was going through this post to capitalize it b/c I decided that I want to do grammar today I capitalized like 90 I'ms because I cannot extend myself outside my own tiny bubble and I know I shouldn't feel guilty for talking about myself on my own personal blog but I do. And some of me is pretending that now that I've been honest about it that makes me less self centered but I know that's a lie.

I'm in so many fucking different places I'm all fucking over the place

Sunday, February 2, 2014

ADHD and Giant Friggin' Robots

In this post I refer to the 2013 (and imo severely underrated) movie Pacific Rim, but you don't need to have watched it to understand the post, I promise. And no spoilers, either!

There's a theme that really is the core of the movie, which is that in order to pilot the eponymous giant robots, you need to have two pilots. Not only that, but two pilots sharing a neurological bond, and working in complete tandem with one another. It occurred to me that it could make a great metaphor for a lot of neuro-disorders, albeit unintentionally.

See, in order for the thing to work, the pilots have to be entirely in synch. Essentially two bodies controlled by one joint mind.  Interfere with their synchrony and disaster happens.

In a way, the entire human brain is the same thing. We think of ourselves as a single functional unit, but really we're not. There's the part of our brain that regulates emotion, the part of our brain that regulates motivation and impulse control, the part of our brain that processes sensory input, and so on and so forth. Each one not only has to function independently, they have to work in full consensus with each other. Basically every neurological disorder in existence can be traced back on some level to one part or another having trouble doing it's job.  Or to the different parts of the brain losing their synchrony.

Neurotypical people take for granted that their brains are going to function cohesively, and one part or another isn't going to suddenly blink out or slack off. But I know better. So much of my time is consumed with looking after the disparate bits of my own brain that I feel like I'm herding cats sometimes. (And yes, I'm aware of the slightly paradoxical idea that there's a "me" and a "my brain" and I think of them as separate. It's not quite as simple as that, but it works for the metaphor. Ask anyone else with ADHD.)

Of course, when the pilots of a Jaeger are out of synch, you've got a mountain sized robot with a nuclear core going haywire. When I have an out of synch brain, you just get a me-sized hot mess.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013


Well, it was bound to happen. It happens to me with just enough regularity to be irritating, but not predictably enough that I can anticipate or prepare for it.

I backslid a lot this week. I have been chronically behind in all the tasks I've set for myself, even (especially?) the ones that are time sensitive. I overspent on food when I should have prepared lunch at home. I've been waking up on time (except today, but I had a semi-valid excuse), but only just barely, so I don't have time to actually prepare in the morning- I just throw on clothes and run out of the house. I haven't been as committed at work as I really need to be, especially since my workload is increasing.

Obviously this is a bumpy ride, and it's always going to be a bumpy ride. That's life with ADHD. It's just really frustrating when it happens, because I know I can do better, I just... can't make myself do it? It's no wonder so many parents of ADHD kids tend towards delegitimizing their kids' struggles. It feels like laziness even from inside my head, albeit laziness I violently object to and can't control. From the outside I can't even imagine what I must look like to other people, but it's probably not a flattering picture.

So yeah, all the voices that are telling me that I'm "Just not trying hard enough" or I "Just need to commit myself more" or "Just need to focus on what you should be doing" are inside my head as well as outside of it. Thanks, self-esteem, I really needed that.

It doesn't help the cycle that I haven't been as good at taking my iron as I should be, so we can add chronic drowsiness to the list of things I have to deal with this week. Starting at around 14:00 every day I feel like I'm moving through a fog. And the worst part is, pique my interest enough and I'll actually perk up considerably, which of course launches me back into the cycle of "It's all in your head why don't you just DO STUFF?" or how about "Why can't you remember to take your iron? Why don't you just set a daily reminder on  your phone? Why don't you take it with lunch?" All of these are legitimate questions to which I have no good answer. I just don't, ok? I can't explain it. I can't justify it. Yes, I feel stupid and horrible for not doing it. No, that doesn't mean I'm going to do it. Self-hate is not an effective form of motivation.

Hopefully Thursday night/Friday will be a productive chunk of time. Weekends usually are the best for me in terms of getting a handle on my ADHD. Something about being at home for long stretches of time with no immediate commitments, I think.

What's really sad about this post is that nothing about it is unusual. This is a fairly good peek at the inside of my head. It's not like this constantly but it's like this enough. Sometimes I am on top of everything and I feel like I can take on the world. And sometimes I'm a lazy good for nothing help-resistant idiot.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Hello, 26

I suppose my birthday is as good a day as any for my inaugural post on this blog. Since I'm on the razor edge between 25 and 26, I'm just going to list some significant things from this past year.

  • I reached the low point in nonfunctionality this year, there were times when the mess on my floor was literally two feet deep.
  • I finally realized there was something wrong with me.
  • I had a minimum wage job that had me digging myself deeper and deeper into debt every month.
  • I started posting nail art more frequently, because I discovered that it was an incredibly satisfying and relaxing hobby.
  • I finally saw a doctor about depression, and she suggested that I might have ADD (this is the turning point, pay attention)
  • I got a formal diagnosis.
  • I started finding online resources and safe spaces for other adults with ADD (which as it turns out, is now lumped together with ADHD, so I just have "ADHD, inattentive type" which is a little weird)
  • (Actually the entire label of ADHD is a little weird, since it's not specifically or exclusively attention that is the problem. A more accurate term might be Executive Dysfunction)
  • I started to make lists of EVERYTHING. I opened up OneNote and just started writing stuff down. Slowly, over a few months, I began to get the lists in order.
  • After starting to get lists of tasks/purchases/needs in order, I slowly started making headway on accomplishing things on the list.
  • I made two vlogs about my ADHD, and recorded a third one that has yet to be edited.
  • I got a job.
  • I GOT A JOB.
  • I was going insane with anxiety for the first three months, because it was a probational period after which they would decide if they wanted to keep me.
  • I kept slowly clawing away at my disorder, trying to learn to live with my limitations and find strategies to help me function.
  • I tried out Ritalin, with mixed results.
  • I got a haircut, which had been something I was avoiding for a good six years.
  • I got a minor pay raise to go along with my open ended contract.
  • I bought a closet with my first larger paycheck.
  • I got my room clean enough that a significant portion of my floor was now visible (this is only as recent as two weeks ago)
  • I took over my own cell phone bill from my parents.
So I'm probably leaving out a lot, but that's a brief summary of my journey this year. As you can see, a lot of it has been tied up in discovering and dealing with my ADHD. Finding out my diagnosis was an enormous weight off my chest, because there has been literally nothing in my life that was not in some way affected by my functionality issues.

I'm still not so good at following my to do lists, or my self imposed routines, but slowly, very slowly, I'm getting better. Sometimes I backslide, but I'll get a handle on it. One day.

So now that I've discussed 25, here are some things that I want to try to accomplish when I'm 26:
  • Keep my job for the entire year, maybe get a raise.
  • Try out another medication. (My insurance only covers Methylphenidate based medications but I want to try Adderall, I took it for a while when I was twelve and it was effective)
  • Make serious progress with my jewelry store.
  • Buy a camera of my own (I've been using my roommate's camera this whole time).
  • Buy or make a lightbox for my nail art and jewelry.
  • Fly to the USA to visit my friend A. On my own dime, with my earned vacation days which I am currently hoarding.
  • Get my room completely clean.
  • Clear off my computer desk so I have a proper workspace.
  • Learn how to drive.
  • Learn Visual Basic, XML, HTML, and perhaps rudimentary Linux.
  • Stick to a consistent nightly hygiene routine.
  • Pick up my vlog.
  • Write music and play the harp more often.
  • Post harp videos.
  • Write recorder music for my sister so we can play together.
  • Experiment with making indie polish.
  • Write for my polish blog at least twice a week, write here at least once a week.
  • Donate money to charity.
  • Cook dinner every night.
  • Do a 30 day nail art challenge.
  • Send packages to my friends sometimes.
  • Do stretches sometimes, reclaim my ability to do a split (I haven't done one in ten years)
  • Cosplay at least once.
  • Stay in touch with my online friends, be better at spending time with them.
Obviously I'm not going to accomplish everthing on this list, but I'm going to give it a damn good try. My last year has been pretty crazy, it started ok, dipped to perhaps the lowest I've ever been, and has been slowly climbing out of that pit ever since.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to wash dishes.