Sunday, December 28, 2014


I'm in a good place: I have a full time job with a decent paycheck that will look good on my resume and offers a reasonable amount of upward mobility

I'm in a bad place: I can't focus 90% of the time and I end up slacking off even when every part of me is screaming to DO SOMETHING and I live in constant terror of losing my job because it's only a matter of time before someone catches on

I'm in a good place: I'm only spending about the same amount that I earn per month, I'm not sliding back deeper into debt

I'm in a bad place: I have things that I need to spend money on that I'm not, I'm wasting money that I should be saving, I'm considering taking out a small loan to cover my perpetual overdraft which is just feeding into a pattern that has been dancing around for years

I'm in a good place: I'm taking part in support groups for people with the same issues that I have, it's really helpful to feel I'M NOT ALONE, it's a dramatic, momentous feeling

I'm in a bad place: I haven't seen the neurologist for almost half a year, I did the stupid test that he wanted to prove I have adhd and I need medication, but I lost the results and I haven't gotten around to asking them to reprint them for me and in the meantime I'm painfully unmedicated with all that entails (for further examples of exactly how being unmedicated affects me: have you even been reading this post)

I'm in a good place: I have a nice bed in a nice room in a nice apartment that's not overpriced and is a little difficult to get to by public transportation but not impossible, plus most of the food/medicine/clothes necessities are in walking distance

I'm in a bad place: even though I sleep enough hours I'm constantly tired, I can barely ever keep myself fully awake and functional even though I take my iron pills, I took a cab to work every single day this week because I could just NOT make myself wake up early enough to catch a bus, being chronically ill is expensive, and I don't even know what I'm chronically ill with.

I'm in a good place: I've been working towards establishing the business that has been my dream for the last three years, and I'm finally live and I even made a few sales and it turns out I'm actually pretty good at making nail polish

I'm in a bad place: I'm immensely disorganized, half of the supplies and tools I bought are lost or buried or jumbled and it's reaching critical mass. I have a vague idea of what my expenses vs profit is but I haven't really been keeping as close track as I need to which means I may very soon crash and burn. Also even though I know *how* to market myself it takes a lot of time and effort and energy that I can't seem to muster up so I'm not reaching the audience I need to reach

I'm in a good place: I've finally seemed to pin down what exactly my sexuality and romantic orientation are, although it's a moving target at least I have words for what I am and I'm not just this weird broken person who doesn't make sense and is probably just immature or something

I'm in a bad place: It's virtually impossible for me to find a suitable partner and I'm not even sure I want one, but even if I found one everything I want in a partner is the precise opposite of what my parents would be ok with which means that eventually I'm going to have to make a choic between being single forever (which? i'm not sure is a bad thing?) and getting along with my family or chosing my partner and being disowned by my family on the spot

I'm I'm I'm i'm i'm i'm im im im im so fucking self centered when I was going through this post to capitalize it b/c I decided that I want to do grammar today I capitalized like 90 I'ms because I cannot extend myself outside my own tiny bubble and I know I shouldn't feel guilty for talking about myself on my own personal blog but I do. And some of me is pretending that now that I've been honest about it that makes me less self centered but I know that's a lie.

I'm in so many fucking different places I'm all fucking over the place

Sunday, February 2, 2014

ADHD and Giant Friggin' Robots

In this post I refer to the 2013 (and imo severely underrated) movie Pacific Rim, but you don't need to have watched it to understand the post, I promise. And no spoilers, either!

There's a theme that really is the core of the movie, which is that in order to pilot the eponymous giant robots, you need to have two pilots. Not only that, but two pilots sharing a neurological bond, and working in complete tandem with one another. It occurred to me that it could make a great metaphor for a lot of neuro-disorders, albeit unintentionally.

See, in order for the thing to work, the pilots have to be entirely in synch. Essentially two bodies controlled by one joint mind.  Interfere with their synchrony and disaster happens.

In a way, the entire human brain is the same thing. We think of ourselves as a single functional unit, but really we're not. There's the part of our brain that regulates emotion, the part of our brain that regulates motivation and impulse control, the part of our brain that processes sensory input, and so on and so forth. Each one not only has to function independently, they have to work in full consensus with each other. Basically every neurological disorder in existence can be traced back on some level to one part or another having trouble doing it's job.  Or to the different parts of the brain losing their synchrony.

Neurotypical people take for granted that their brains are going to function cohesively, and one part or another isn't going to suddenly blink out or slack off. But I know better. So much of my time is consumed with looking after the disparate bits of my own brain that I feel like I'm herding cats sometimes. (And yes, I'm aware of the slightly paradoxical idea that there's a "me" and a "my brain" and I think of them as separate. It's not quite as simple as that, but it works for the metaphor. Ask anyone else with ADHD.)

Of course, when the pilots of a Jaeger are out of synch, you've got a mountain sized robot with a nuclear core going haywire. When I have an out of synch brain, you just get a me-sized hot mess.