Backsliding

Well, it was bound to happen. It happens to me with just enough regularity to be irritating, but not predictably enough that I can anticipate or prepare for it.

I backslid a lot this week. I have been chronically behind in all the tasks I've set for myself, even (especially?) the ones that are time sensitive. I overspent on food when I should have prepared lunch at home. I've been waking up on time (except today, but I had a semi-valid excuse), but only just barely, so I don't have time to actually prepare in the morning- I just throw on clothes and run out of the house. I haven't been as committed at work as I really need to be, especially since my workload is increasing.

Obviously this is a bumpy ride, and it's always going to be a bumpy ride. That's life with ADHD. It's just really frustrating when it happens, because I know I can do better, I just... can't make myself do it? It's no wonder so many parents of ADHD kids tend towards delegitimizing their kids' struggles. It feels like laziness even from inside my head, albeit laziness I violently object to and can't control. From the outside I can't even imagine what I must look like to other people, but it's probably not a flattering picture.

So yeah, all the voices that are telling me that I'm "Just not trying hard enough" or I "Just need to commit myself more" or "Just need to focus on what you should be doing" are inside my head as well as outside of it. Thanks, self-esteem, I really needed that.

It doesn't help the cycle that I haven't been as good at taking my iron as I should be, so we can add chronic drowsiness to the list of things I have to deal with this week. Starting at around 14:00 every day I feel like I'm moving through a fog. And the worst part is, pique my interest enough and I'll actually perk up considerably, which of course launches me back into the cycle of "It's all in your head why don't you just DO STUFF?" or how about "Why can't you remember to take your iron? Why don't you just set a daily reminder on  your phone? Why don't you take it with lunch?" All of these are legitimate questions to which I have no good answer. I just don't, ok? I can't explain it. I can't justify it. Yes, I feel stupid and horrible for not doing it. No, that doesn't mean I'm going to do it. Self-hate is not an effective form of motivation.

Hopefully Thursday night/Friday will be a productive chunk of time. Weekends usually are the best for me in terms of getting a handle on my ADHD. Something about being at home for long stretches of time with no immediate commitments, I think.

What's really sad about this post is that nothing about it is unusual. This is a fairly good peek at the inside of my head. It's not like this constantly but it's like this enough. Sometimes I am on top of everything and I feel like I can take on the world. And sometimes I'm a lazy good for nothing help-resistant idiot.