Well, it was bound to happen. It happens to me with just enough regularity to be irritating, but not predictably enough that I can anticipate or prepare for it.
I backslid a lot this week. I have been chronically behind in all the tasks I've set for myself, even (especially?) the ones that are time sensitive. I overspent on food when I should have prepared lunch at home. I've been waking up on time (except today, but I had a semi-valid excuse), but only just barely, so I don't have time to actually prepare in the morning- I just throw on clothes and run out of the house. I haven't been as committed at work as I really need to be, especially since my workload is increasing.
Obviously this is a bumpy ride, and it's always going to be a bumpy ride. That's life with ADHD. It's just really frustrating when it happens, because I know I can do better, I just... can't make myself do it? It's no wonder so many parents of ADHD kids tend towards delegitimizing their kids' struggles. It feels like laziness even from inside my head, albeit laziness I violently object to and can't control. From the outside I can't even imagine what I must look like to other people, but it's probably not a flattering picture.
So yeah, all the voices that are telling me that I'm "Just not trying hard enough" or I "Just need to commit myself more" or "Just need to focus on what you should be doing" are inside my head as well as outside of it. Thanks, self-esteem, I really needed that.
It doesn't help the cycle that I haven't been as good at taking my iron as I should be, so we can add chronic drowsiness to the list of things I have to deal with this week. Starting at around 14:00 every day I feel like I'm moving through a fog. And the worst part is, pique my interest enough and I'll actually perk up considerably, which of course launches me back into the cycle of "It's all in your head why don't you just DO STUFF?" or how about "Why can't you remember to take your iron? Why don't you just set a daily reminder on your phone? Why don't you take it with lunch?" All of these are legitimate questions to which I have no good answer. I just don't, ok? I can't explain it. I can't justify it. Yes, I feel stupid and horrible for not doing it. No, that doesn't mean I'm going to do it. Self-hate is not an effective form of motivation.
Hopefully Thursday night/Friday will be a productive chunk of time. Weekends usually are the best for me in terms of getting a handle on my ADHD. Something about being at home for long stretches of time with no immediate commitments, I think.
What's really sad about this post is that nothing about it is unusual. This is a fairly good peek at the inside of my head. It's not like this constantly but it's like this enough. Sometimes I am on top of everything and I feel like I can take on the world. And sometimes I'm a lazy good for nothing help-resistant idiot.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
I suppose my birthday is as good a day as any for my inaugural post on this blog. Since I'm on the razor edge between 25 and 26, I'm just going to list some significant things from this past year.
- I reached the low point in nonfunctionality this year, there were times when the mess on my floor was literally two feet deep.
- I finally realized there was something wrong with me.
- I had a minimum wage job that had me digging myself deeper and deeper into debt every month.
- I started posting nail art more frequently, because I discovered that it was an incredibly satisfying and relaxing hobby.
- I finally saw a doctor about depression, and she suggested that I might have ADD (this is the turning point, pay attention)
- I got a formal diagnosis.
- I started finding online resources and safe spaces for other adults with ADD (which as it turns out, is now lumped together with ADHD, so I just have "ADHD, inattentive type" which is a little weird)
- (Actually the entire label of ADHD is a little weird, since it's not specifically or exclusively attention that is the problem. A more accurate term might be Executive Dysfunction)
- I started to make lists of EVERYTHING. I opened up OneNote and just started writing stuff down. Slowly, over a few months, I began to get the lists in order.
- After starting to get lists of tasks/purchases/needs in order, I slowly started making headway on accomplishing things on the list.
- I made two vlogs about my ADHD, and recorded a third one that has yet to be edited.
- I got a job.
- I GOT A JOB.
- I was going insane with anxiety for the first three months, because it was a probational period after which they would decide if they wanted to keep me.
- I kept slowly clawing away at my disorder, trying to learn to live with my limitations and find strategies to help me function.
- I tried out Ritalin, with mixed results.
- I got a haircut, which had been something I was avoiding for a good six years.
- I GOT TO KEEP MY JOB.
- I got a minor pay raise to go along with my open ended contract.
- I bought a closet with my first larger paycheck.
- I got my room clean enough that a significant portion of my floor was now visible (this is only as recent as two weeks ago)
- I took over my own cell phone bill from my parents.
So I'm probably leaving out a lot, but that's a brief summary of my journey this year. As you can see, a lot of it has been tied up in discovering and dealing with my ADHD. Finding out my diagnosis was an enormous weight off my chest, because there has been literally nothing in my life that was not in some way affected by my functionality issues.
I'm still not so good at following my to do lists, or my self imposed routines, but slowly, very slowly, I'm getting better. Sometimes I backslide, but I'll get a handle on it. One day.
So now that I've discussed 25, here are some things that I want to try to accomplish when I'm 26:
- Keep my job for the entire year, maybe get a raise.
- Try out another medication. (My insurance only covers Methylphenidate based medications but I want to try Adderall, I took it for a while when I was twelve and it was effective)
- Make serious progress with my jewelry store.
- Buy a camera of my own (I've been using my roommate's camera this whole time).
- Buy or make a lightbox for my nail art and jewelry.
- Fly to the USA to visit my friend A. On my own dime, with my earned vacation days which I am currently hoarding.
- Get my room completely clean.
- Clear off my computer desk so I have a proper workspace.
- Learn how to drive.
- Learn Visual Basic, XML, HTML, and perhaps rudimentary Linux.
- Stick to a consistent nightly hygiene routine.
- Pick up my vlog.
- Write music and play the harp more often.
- Post harp videos.
- Write recorder music for my sister so we can play together.
- Experiment with making indie polish.
- Write for my polish blog at least twice a week, write here at least once a week.
- Donate money to charity.
- Cook dinner every night.
- Do a 30 day nail art challenge.
- Send packages to my friends sometimes.
- Do stretches sometimes, reclaim my ability to do a split (I haven't done one in ten years)
- Cosplay at least once.
- Stay in touch with my online friends, be better at spending time with them.
Obviously I'm not going to accomplish everthing on this list, but I'm going to give it a damn good try. My last year has been pretty crazy, it started ok, dipped to perhaps the lowest I've ever been, and has been slowly climbing out of that pit ever since.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to wash dishes.