Wednesday, July 24, 2013


Well, it was bound to happen. It happens to me with just enough regularity to be irritating, but not predictably enough that I can anticipate or prepare for it.

I backslid a lot this week. I have been chronically behind in all the tasks I've set for myself, even (especially?) the ones that are time sensitive. I overspent on food when I should have prepared lunch at home. I've been waking up on time (except today, but I had a semi-valid excuse), but only just barely, so I don't have time to actually prepare in the morning- I just throw on clothes and run out of the house. I haven't been as committed at work as I really need to be, especially since my workload is increasing.

Obviously this is a bumpy ride, and it's always going to be a bumpy ride. That's life with ADHD. It's just really frustrating when it happens, because I know I can do better, I just... can't make myself do it? It's no wonder so many parents of ADHD kids tend towards delegitimizing their kids' struggles. It feels like laziness even from inside my head, albeit laziness I violently object to and can't control. From the outside I can't even imagine what I must look like to other people, but it's probably not a flattering picture.

So yeah, all the voices that are telling me that I'm "Just not trying hard enough" or I "Just need to commit myself more" or "Just need to focus on what you should be doing" are inside my head as well as outside of it. Thanks, self-esteem, I really needed that.

It doesn't help the cycle that I haven't been as good at taking my iron as I should be, so we can add chronic drowsiness to the list of things I have to deal with this week. Starting at around 14:00 every day I feel like I'm moving through a fog. And the worst part is, pique my interest enough and I'll actually perk up considerably, which of course launches me back into the cycle of "It's all in your head why don't you just DO STUFF?" or how about "Why can't you remember to take your iron? Why don't you just set a daily reminder on  your phone? Why don't you take it with lunch?" All of these are legitimate questions to which I have no good answer. I just don't, ok? I can't explain it. I can't justify it. Yes, I feel stupid and horrible for not doing it. No, that doesn't mean I'm going to do it. Self-hate is not an effective form of motivation.

Hopefully Thursday night/Friday will be a productive chunk of time. Weekends usually are the best for me in terms of getting a handle on my ADHD. Something about being at home for long stretches of time with no immediate commitments, I think.

What's really sad about this post is that nothing about it is unusual. This is a fairly good peek at the inside of my head. It's not like this constantly but it's like this enough. Sometimes I am on top of everything and I feel like I can take on the world. And sometimes I'm a lazy good for nothing help-resistant idiot.


  1. I can perk up amazingly if a topic interests me even if I'm dead tired and have been awake for far too many hours straight, it's got nothing to do with laziness for when things don't interest me. so you should feel a little better about that bit, at least

    1. Thanks :) I am aware on an intellectual level that technically that happens, but it still feels like laziness from the inside. I imagine it's related to all the poisonous self-image stuff I've internalized over the years.

  2. This might sound repetitive, but I'm in a similar place right now. Like you said, it's a cycle, and sometimes you're on top and sometimes you're not, and when you're not you think "what am I doing wrong so that I don't feel like I did before?"

    For me, I have to try to find something that breaks me out of whatever rhythm I've gotten myself into, because clearly that rhythm has started to wind down, and I no longer have the momentum to get over my little mental blocks. Sometimes I find something to shift me into a different gear, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes the road ahead is clear, and sometimes there are cows standing in the middle of the street. All of which is to say: you do what you can, but you can only do so much.

    Thanks for posting this. I may still feel like crap, but it's nice to hear someone else articulate this kind of stuff.

    1. No, it's good to know other people can relate! It's always a little scary to put myself out there like that, it's a leap of faith- so knowing it connected with you is a weight off my shoulders.

      For me it's not that any particular thing breaks my rhythm, it's that I'm just not good at getting routines to stick. The slightest little thing can throw me off- I'm a little more tired than usual when I get home, or there are more dishes in the sink than I expected, and then as soon as I put something off it starts to snowball into a huge lump of tasks that I'll never get done. Weekends are a godsend though, they let me catch up on all my tasks and reset back to zero for the beginning of the week. I almost always leave for work on Sunday with a clean bathroom/kitchen/lately even my bedroom, plus a bunch of important chores have been accomplished.

      Sometimes I wish I could work from home all the time- have a career that allowed me to be my own boss. It would make my life so much easier because I could structure my whole routine around that kind of flexibility.

      Or maybe just get a car, having more freedom of mobility would be a huge thing.